Children and Love Languages
Does the concept of love languages apply to children? I am always asked this question by people who attend my seminars on married life, and my definitive answer is yes, and when children are young, you cannot learn their basic languages. for love ; So, use the five love languages, and then you can get to them, but if you observe their behaviors, you can get to them faster. Bobby is six years old, and when his father comes back from work, Bobby jumps in his lap, He extends his hand and messes with his father's hair. What does Bobby say to his father through that? "I want someone to touch me." He touches his father. Because he likes to be touched by other people, and the odds are that Bobby's primary love language is "physical contact." For years, Patrick lives next door to Bobby, and he is five and a half years old. They are playmates, but his father is... Patrick faces a different scenario when he returns home from work. Patrick says excitedly: “Come here, Dad, I want to show you something. Come here.” His father says: “Give me one minute, Patrick. I want to show you something.” "I'm looking at some papers." Patrick leaves immediately, but comes back fifteen seconds later and says, "Dad, come to my room. I want to show you something now. I want to show you something now, Dad." His father replies, "Give me some time." Just a minute, my son, let me read it.” His mother calls him as he quickly leaves, and tells him that his father is tired and asks him to leave him for a few minutes until he finishes reading his papers. “Patrick” says to her: “But I wanted to show him what I made.” His mother says to him. “I know, but let your father read for a few minutes.” Sixty seconds later, Patrick returned to his father and instead of saying anything, he took his father’s papers while laughing. His father said to him: “What are you doing, Patrick?” "I want you to come into my room, Dad," Patrick said. "I want to show you what I've made." What is Patrick asking? He wants to "dedicate time." He wants to have his father's full attention, and he won't stop until he gets it. Even if he had to create a revolution. If your child is always making gifts for you, wrapping them, and giving them to you with a loving smile appearing in his eyes, then think that your child’s primary love language is “exchanging gifts.” He is giving you because he wants to receive from you. If you notice that your son or daughter is always trying to help their little brother or sister, this may mean that his or her primary love language is “services.” If they are always telling you how wonderful you look, how you are a wonderful father or mother, and how good you are at your job, This indicates that his or her primary language of love is “words of encouragement.” And all of this is at a level below your child’s awareness, meaning that the child is not thinking about it consciously, such as saying: “If I give my father a gift; They will give me a gift, and if I touch them; They will touch me.” But what drives his behavior are his own emotional desires, and he may have learned through experience that when he says or does certain things, he will similarly receive certain responses from his parents, and so he does what leads to the satisfaction of his own emotional needs, and if all goes well Something is fine and his emotional needs are met; children grow into adults who feel responsible, but if their emotional needs are not met, they may go beyond acceptable standards, express their anger to their parents who did not meet their needs, and will search for love in inappropriate places. The psychiatrist says Dr. Ross Cammell, who first told me about the Love Tank: “In the many years he spent treating teens who had experienced sexual misconduct, he had never met a teen whose parents had met his emotional need for love. His view was that most cases of sexual misconduct were caused by... “To the empty tank of love.” Have you noticed this in your community? The teen runs away from home, and the parents turn their heads, saying, “How could he do this to us after everything we’ve done for him?” But now the teen is sixty miles away from a counselor’s office. And he says to him: “My parents do not love me, and they never loved me; "They love my brother, but they don't love me." Do this teenager's parents really love him? In most cases, they do, too. So what's the problem? Most likely, the parents haven't learned how to communicate love in a language the child can understand. Maybe they could buy me gloves. A ball and a bicycle to show their love, but the child was screaming and saying: “Isn’t someone playing with me? Isn’t someone going for a bike ride with me?” Perhaps the difference between buying ball gloves and playing ball with the child is the difference between a full tank of love and an empty tank. Parents can To love their children sincerely (and most of them do), but sincerity alone is not enough. We must learn how to speak the basic language of love to our children, if we want to meet their emotional need for love.< /div>
Words of Encouragement
Parents stereotypically say a lot of affirmative statements when children are young, and even before the child understands verbal communication, parents say: “What a beautiful nose! How beautiful these eyes! How very wrinkly.” This poetry!” and others, and when the child begins to crawl, we applaud every movement he makes, and say “words of encouragement” to him, and when he begins to walk and stand while holding on to the sofa with one hand, we stand two feet away from him and say: “Come on, come on, come on. That's right, walk, yes this way, walk.” And when the child takes half a step and falls to the ground, what do we say? We do not say then: “You stupid child, can’t you walk?” Rather, we say: “Hurray! You have done well.” ; That's why he stands up and tries again. Why do the "words of encouragement" that we address to our children turn into words of condemnation as they grow older? When the child turns seven, we go to his room and ask him to put a toy in the toy box, and there are twelve toys lying on the floor, and we come back after five Minutes later, we found that he had only put seven toys in the box, so what do we say? “I told you to put these toys in the box, and if you don’t do this, I will---.” What about the seven toys in the box? Why don’t we say: “Hurray!” “You put toys in the box, Johnny, that's great,” and you will probably put the other five toys in the box. As the child grows, we are more likely to deny him his failures than to praise him for his successes. And for the child whose primary language is love, These are “words of encouragement.” Our negative, critical, and commanding words will terrify him. Hundreds of thirty-five-year-olds still hear the words of condemnation that were said to them twenty years ago ringing in their ears: such as, “You are too fat; that is why he did not date you.” "Anyone" and "You are not a student, you might be expelled from school", "I didn't think you were that stupid", "You are an irresponsible person, you will never achieve anything", and adults defend their self-esteem, They feel unloved their whole lives when their basic language of love is violated in such a cruel way.Devoting time
Devoting time means giving the child your full attention, and for the child this means sitting on the floor and rolling the ball for him and him rolling it for you, We're talking about playing with carts and dolls, playing with sandboxes and building castles, getting into his world, doing things with him. You may be living in a computer world, but your child is living in a children's world, and you must come down to the child's level if you want to lead him in the end. To the adult world. As the child grows and develops his interests, you should share these interests with him if you want to meet his needs. If he is interested in basketball, take an interest in basketball, spend some time playing basketball with him, take him to basketball games, and if he is interested in By playing the piano, perhaps you can attend some lessons in learning the piano, or at least listen with great interest to part of his training period. Giving the child your full attention tells him that you care about him, that he is important to you, and that you enjoy the time that you are with him. And he does not remember Most adults, when they look back on their childhood, remember a lot of what their parents said, but they also remember what they did. One adult said to me, “I don’t remember my father missing one of my games in high school. I knew he was interested in what I was doing.” He was “devoting time to For this adult, he is extremely important as a conveyor of love. If “devoting time” is your child’s primary love language, and you speak this language, then he will most likely allow you to spend special time with him even during the teenage years, and if you do not devote some of your time to him in During his childhood years, he will likely seek the attention of his peers during his teenage years and avoid his parents who are likely to be very keen on spending more time with their children.Exchanging gifts
Many parents and grandparents speak the language of gifts a lot, and in fact, when a person goes to a toy store, he is surprised to see that Parents believe that this is the only language of love. When parents have some money, they tend to buy their children many gifts. Some parents believe that this is the best way to express their love. Some parents try to do for their children what their parents could not do for them. They buy things that they wish they had when they were young, but if this is not the child's primary language, the gifts may not mean much to him emotionally. The parents' intentions are good, but they do not meet the child's needs by giving him gifts. If the child puts aside the gifts you brought him, rarely says “thank you,” does not show interest in these gifts, and does not appreciate them, then most likely “exchanging gifts” is not his primary love language. On the contrary, if the child responds to you and often thanks you for the gift. He shows it to others, and tells them how wonderful you are for bringing this gift for him. If he takes care of the gift and places it in a visible place in his room, cleans it, and plays with it for a long time, then it is likely that his primary love language is “exchanging gifts.” What if the primary love language is For your child, it is “exchanging gifts,” but you cannot save the money to buy many gifts? In this case, remember that what is important is not the value or quality of the gift, but what is important is “your thought of him.” Gifts can be handmade, and sometimes the child appreciates this gift. More than an expensive gift that was made by a children's toy company. In fact, younger children play with the toy box more than with the toy that was in it. You can find discarded toys and recycle them, and the recycling process can be a project shared by the parents and the child. You do not necessarily need to have a lot of money to provide your child with some gifts.Service Work
When children are young, parents do a lot of "service work" for their children, and if they don't, they may A child dies, and things like bathing, feeding, and clothing require a great deal of work during the first years of a child’s life. Then comes cooking, washing, and ironing clothes. This is followed by preparing meals, hiring a taxi service, and helping with schoolwork. These things are taken for granted. This is the view of many children, but some other children consider it to be a communication of love. If your child always expresses his appreciation for ordinary acts of service, this indicates that they are emotionally important to him. Your acts of service communicate love in a meaningful way. When you help him with a science project, This has a greater meaning than the fact that he will get higher grades. It means that “my parents love me.” When you fix the bike for him, this has a greater meaning than that you are helping him ride it again. You are thus making his love tank full, and if your child displays... You should constantly help him with projects related to your work. He may think that this is the way to express love, and most likely, “service work” is his primary love language.Physical Contact
We have long known that “physical contact” is one of the emotional connectors for children, and research has shown that children who are By the hand they often develop better emotionally than children with whom this does not happen, and the normal thing for parents and other adults is that they grab the little child, carry him, hug him, kiss him, hug him tightly, and speak to him with naive words; The child feels love long before he knows the meaning of this word. Hugging, kissing, patting, and holding hands are all ways to convey love to the child. Your teenage son may not appreciate such things in the presence of his peers, but this does not mean that he does not like physical contact, especially if this is the case. His primary love language. If your teen has a habit of coming up behind you and pulling your arms from behind and squeezing you gently, or grabbing your ankle as you walk across the room and making you fall to the floor (tumble), these are all signs that “physical contact” is important to him. Him. Observe your children, and see how they express love for others; This is the key to knowing their love language, and pay attention to the things they ask of you; Often you will find that what they ask for aligns with their own love languages, and also notice the things they give the most value to; These things are likely signs of their primary love languages. Our daughter's primary love language is “making time.” So, as she was growing up, she and I used to go for walks together, and when she was in high school at Salem Academy, one of the oldest girls' academies in the country, we used to take walks in the wonderful places around the old Salem Academy; the Morvians had brought back to the village which Its construction dates back more than two hundred years, and its splendor is; walking through the cobblestone streets takes one back to the era of simplicity, and walking through the ancient cemeteries gives one a sense of the realities of life and death. During those years, we used to take a walk three times a week in the afternoon, and long discussions would take place between us about it. The simple place, she is a human doctor now, and despite this, when she returns home she often says to me: “Do you want to go out for a walk, Dad?” And I never once refused her invitation. But my son never went out with me on a walk; he says: “ Going out for a walk is a stupid thing. With this outing you are not going anywhere. If you are going somewhere, then let's go. "Devoting time" is not his primary language of love, and we as parents often treat all of our children the same way; we go to conferences that... It is held about raising children, and we read books about this matter, and we know some wonderful ideas, and we want to return home and apply them to every child, and the problem is that every child is different from the other, and what conveys love to one child does not necessarily convey it to another, and based on this, forcing Baby to walk with you; In order for you to be able to spend special time together that will not express your love to him, we must speak the language of love to our children if we want them to feel loved. I believe that most parents truly love their children, but I also believe that thousands of parents have failed to express Their love is in the appropriate language, and thousands of children across the country live with empty emotional voids. I also believe that most of the bad behavior that comes from children and adolescents can be attributed to empty love tanks. Never miss the time to start expressing love, if your children have grown up, and you realize that you were... You speak the wrong love language, so why not tell them? You can say: “You know, I was reading a book about how to express love, and I realized that I had not been expressing my love for you in the best way over the past years, and I tried to show my love for you, but now I realized that These things may not have expressed my love for you, and your love language may be something completely different, and I'm starting to think that your love language may be --, and I want you to know that I truly love you, and I hope to express my love to you, in the future, in better ways. Perhaps you can explain the five love languages to him, and discuss your love language with them as well as theirs. Perhaps you do not feel loved by your eldest child. If they are old enough to understand the concept of love languages, your discussion with them can be frank, and they may be surprised. From their willingness to start speaking your love language, and if they do, you will also be amazed at the way your feelings and emotions towards them will start to change. When each member of the family starts speaking the other members' love languages, the emotional atmosphere of the family improves dramatically. From the book The Five Love LanguagesCategories: Love words
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